Without going in to great detail because a) it still weirds me out to fling too much deeply personal data into cyberville 2) because each of you faces sufficient challenge enough in your own lives that you need not come here only to find mine abounding and III) by nature, intent, and DNA I'm inclined to be 'chirpy' as someone once said of me :-) So we'll float pass the details.
The mind-boggling truth is that in the last months I've sat in way too many waiting rooms, exam rooms and funeral parlors with people I love. I've begged fate unfailingly to be kind. Many times she's been beyond kind ~ granting me the wishes of my soul. Some events that have passed were beyond entreatment before I even knew of them.
The sum and substance of what remains in my mind now is an abundance of confused and conflicting emotions. Joy and thankfulness for time 'given back' - futures returned and relief mixed amid grief, shock, and worry. And thru it all I kept hearing my husbands voice saying
~ IT'S A GREAT LIFE IF YOU DON'T WEAKEN ~
He is of course right.
When life flows in easy, lovely ways that point is obvious.
But when fates' outcome dangles the lives of those you love by a gossamer thread it's far more difficult to remember it is still true. Anxiety and pain exist only if you care (caring being a cornerstone of a great life). Pain only finds its mark if you love (love also being a cornerstone of a great life). Worry can only "sit your shoulder" if you wish you could control more of lifes' events (and that only comes because you desperately want to protect someone yet know you cannot). Memories are painful only because they were made - without memories ever being formed they can cause you no harm - nor stay with you in the future and grow to do what they do best - give joy.
The trick it begins to seem in 'not weakening' is to accept (as best one can) that life is comprised of a curious mix of pain and pleasure, comfort and anxiety, phases, plateaus, and challenges. I'll be the first to tell you that I dance (sometimes not very deftly) between the Yin & Yang oposites hoping I don't stumble.
Adult life is wearying - it rubs the shine off & leaves you wondering sometimes. Other times it's downright scary. No matter how old I grow I still find when crisis comes I FEEL like an akward, underskilled 10 year old. Perhaps some of what causes us to weaken.
As trite as it sounds, hug your kids, call your parents, tell your significant other you love them. Try to let go of what you can't control ~ both present and past. Make time for what matters to you because tho time goes on forever , we don't. Follow your dream(s) as far as you can at this point in your life, and take joy in small daily happiness. Drink in the here and now. Fill your glass. Drink. Repeat.
Most of all, don't weaken!